Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

17 Things that need to change for Modern Warfare 3 (If it ever gets made!)

Friday, August 13th, 2010

I am with the 20 million people worldwide who think that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is probably the best game ever. It’s a brilliant campaign plot with amazing environments and fantastic audio all wrapped up in a gooey mess of lush graphics. Infinity Ward has done an unbelievable job at making a film-quality game that keeps you on the edge of your seat. Too bad Activision were stupid enough to get rid of them!

But despite its immense success, MW2 has several major flaws when you go to play its multiplayer mode. Issues that need to be addressed in the next (if there will be) Infinity Ward-built Call of Duty game is to become any sort of success.

  1. Please please PLEASE sort out the stupid glitches that give people that search through YouTube videos looking for exploits an unfair advantage over us that play the game normally! A major example would be the rock in Fuel which is constantly being rubbed up against by n00bs who want to get inside because they get killed if they play normally.
  2. One of the most annoying things to happen in MW2 is joining a game only to find that it’s seconds from being lost and there’s nothing you can do about it. Why should I suffer a ‘lose’ just because the team I replaced (which all left!) sucked?! Can I please have a ‘Join lobbies only’ option?
  3. Personally, I think the ‘Pro’ versions of the perks need to be looked at. To get ‘Commando Pro’, all you need to do is meele 80 people, which is fairly easy when commando makes you leap across the map, through walls and over obstacles to knife someone who is most likely lagging through a doorway. This is too easy compared to ‘Sit Rep Pro’ where you have to destroy 5 million pieces of enemy equipment! Maybe the ‘Pro’ version isn’t too hard, but the level VI challenge requires 25 billion times as much work! Also, why don’t knife kills count towards Ninja Pro and Scrambler Pro?!
  4. Although Infinity Ward created all the environments and character models, I’m not sure that the netcode they used for the multiplayer section was their own. Whoever wrote it should be shot, for real! Why do I have menus and screens that I have no exit from? If the game doesn’t load as planned, I’m looking at a completed loading screen for what seems like years.
  5. In Modern Warfare, you had to listen to everyone you don’t care about natter away in the lobby. Modern Warfare 2 fixed this by allowing you to mute people in the lobby, but what if I don’t want to hear anyone ever? Can’t it mute all by default and I un-mute as I wish? I don’t want racial hate screamed at me by someone who has jumped into my game when I’m trying to line up a shot!
  6. A major problem that I found living with another PS3 owner was the lack of support for multiple consoles on same network which constantly left one of us with a ‘strict’ NAT type which Infinity Ward tells me is bad for matching games. I’m pretty sure NAT can be used or not used, not varied but I may have misheard my computer systems and network-studying flatmate.
  7. It wouldn’t be that hard to make the score/kills/wins/accuracy tables available on a website either. The data is all stored on servers somewhere on the Moon (or wherever!) and I could quite easily fart a website that displayed your scores and a day-to-day graph of how much I suck so I could see my score decrease on the days I don’t have time to play.
  8. From what I hear, computers are quite good at spotting patterns in data. Why oh why, then, can’t they spot that one person is constantly being killed by another in the same way at the same location? I, like many, hate ‘stat padders’ or ‘boosters’ so why hasn’t this been addressed? It wasn’t so bad when they boosted in cage matches – I would just kill them when they came out because in all probability, they sucked, but now they’re ruining my proper games! The fact that some use the same clan tag is just embarrassing for IW…
  9. I was once told why ‘elevators’ exist, but I have since forgotten. However, I can’t see any logical reason why they exist, testing or otherwise. Please remove them; I am tired of getting killed from a mountain 16 miles away from the edge of the map and through walls that you shouldn’t be able to get behind!
  10. There have been several games where when I had finished, I had to run to the toilet (or something equally as important) an not had a chance to see the game score. When I get back into the lobby, why isn’t there a summary of the game? I have everyones KDR, but no game-related info…did we at least win?
  11. Again, the crap netcode I mentioned is also used for team matching. I would love to see the algorithm used because I don’t think it uses any parameters or variables whatsoever. It will quite happily group all the people from the last game and all the people who just joined, despite not knowing how good they are and will more often than not team me up with a bunch of people who can’t even manage a KDR of 1, let alone win the game as well!
  12. As with the boosting, it would be quite easy to spot a pattern for lag switches. Surely if the game starts lag-free and then there’s a huge spike in ping times when the host lies down on a flag, it’s a good sign that he is being a dick because he read about lag switches on Facebook when a mate did it…
  13. Problem 12 could be solved by the use of a ‘Vote new host’ system. If more than half the people think the game is too laggy, it could surely re-evaluate and pick a better host, just as it does with the map selection before the game. I have been in too many laggy games just desperately waiting for the system to pick a new host.
  14. There have only been a few occasions that this has affected me, but random spawning is very annoying. I have watched the killcam and the player who killed me just watches me pop into existence, unprepared to shoot and just opens fire. One kill to him, one annoying death to me…
  15. I spent money on Call of Duty 4 and all the extra map packs. Why can’t I transfer all those old packs to my MW2 game? I want Quarry, Bog, Chinatown, Broadcast and most importantly, Wet Work. Why are you selling me content which I have already paid for? Could I have not at least got a discount for buying both? This is similar to the DRM agreement you can have about songs bought from iTunes, and I hate the way that works as well!
  16. I have been in several games where the host on the losing team pulls out his ethernet cable (or his routers power cord) and the game ends in a draw, despite the fact that we were winning 198-14 just because he couldn’t hack losing. This is not only extremely irritating, but a huge waste of everyones time which is why we need…
  17. DEDICATED SERVERS! Problems 2, 4, 6, 8, 11, 12, 13 and 16 could easily be solved if just 1% of the sale of every game and map pack went towards dedicated servers and there would still be plenty left over to write “FUCK OFF BOOSTERS!” onto the Moon in the blood to all the people who use a lag switch…

If you have any more ideas, I don’t really care because this is my blog so feel free to write them down and then set fire to the piece of paper and launch it into the sea. You can’t comment because I hate trolls and don’t like to feed them!

Some credit goes to Swert for some of the ideas and some goes to me, but it’s mostly what everyone complains about anyway…happy shooting everybody!

My 10 favourite biscuits

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

1. Chocolate HobNobs
The original and best! HobNobs are good, but even better when garnished with chocolate…
Chocolate HobNobs

2. Malted Milk
AKA “Cow biscuits” taste and sound like something you would give to a toddler, but – by God they’re good!
Malted Milk

3. Chocolate Digestives
Same goes as HobNobs – better when chocolate!
Chocolate Digestives

4. Shortbread
One of the only good things to come out of Scotland! Buttery and probably one of the unhealthiest biscuits around!
Shortbread

5. Custard Creams
Pull them apart, lick off the cream and enjoy the 2 remaining pieces, allbeit one of them soggy!
Custard Creams

6. Nice
The name says it all. Light in taste and therefore easy to consume lots…
Nice

7. Rich Tea
The perfect dunking biscuit, they are less tasteless than cardboard until dunked.
Rich Tea

8. Chocolate Bourbons
The biscuit I used to eat as a child, so this is a particularly nostalgic biscuit for me.
Chocolate Bourbons

9. Jamie Dodgers
Everyone loves a bit of the dodge! Another biscuit that you are forced to dissect to enjoy.
Jamie Dodgers

10. Hovis Biscuits
The biscuit that I always make a beeline for when I am faced with a box of biscuits for cheese!
Hovis Biscuits

The 10 types of Plymouth girl

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

I have managed to categorise all the women in Plymouth and assessed their suitability as a girlfriend:

1. Fit but taken
Those ultra-desirable girls that you see in the pub that you know you don’t have a chance with.
Denise Richards

2. The liars and cheats
The most common girls in Plymouth. They use you (and not in a good way!) and then lie and cheat to get rid of you.
Liars

3. Slags
Another common type. They are the ones that get their tits out at every given occasion and like a bike, everyone has had a ride! These are also the most likely to wear Playboy stuff – how chavvy!
Slag

4. Friends
You can’t date friends or housemates because of the awkwardness and the chance of losing someone really close.
Friends

5. Lesbians
Good to watch, but no good for dating. Bisexuals are better, but not by a large enough margin.
Lesbians

6. Foreigners
You can never understand them and chances are that they too exotic for the standard Plymouth man.
American Pie - Nadia

7. Too young / too old
A huge portion of the females. The young ‘uns are usually chavettes and the old ones are ugly.
Chavette

8. Off limits
Mates ex-girlfriends, social no-nos and friends sisters. All will get you into hot water!
Love Triangle

9. The plain ugly
Hmmm..
Ugly Betty

10. The perfect one
There is only 1 of these, and she may not even live in Plymouth, but I know she exists, so I shall keep looking…
Mystery Girl

Design and Photography Quotes

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Me

Some people have asked me about the quotes that appear at the top of my site. They are a collection of quotes that I have bundled together from different sources over the period of a few weeks. I find some of them very profound and close to truth and the rest are either useful or funny. So here they all are:

  • “Buying a Nikon doesn’t make you a photographer. It makes you a Nikon owner.” – Unknown
  • “Almost all quality improvement comes via simplification of design, manufacturing…layout, processes, and procedures.” – Tom Peters
  • “Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.” – Henry David Thoreau
  • “Colour does not add a pleasant quality to design – it reinforces it.” – Pierre Bonnard
  • “Design is the contrast of the core of limitations therefore there are no boundaries. It is simply an interpretation of creativity.” – Jenaiha Woods
  • “…said the blind man to the deaf dog.” – Matthew Campbell
  • “When you photograph people in colour you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in B&W, you photograph their souls.” – Ted Grant
  • “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Design is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
  • “Quality is remembered long after the price is forgotten.” – Gucci family motto
  • “Light is the language of the photographer.” – Unknown
  • “It is more important to click with people than to click the shutter.” – Alfred Eisenstaedt
  • “Knob on…” – Rupert Frankum
  • ” There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer.” – Ansel Adams
  • “No one should drive a hard bargain with an artist.” – Ludwig Van Beethoven
  • “Web users ultimately want to get at data quickly and easily. They don’t care as much about attractive sites and pretty design.” – Tim Berners-Lee
  • “Photography is simply painting with light.” – Unknown
  • “A purpose, an intention, a design, strikes everywhere even the careless, the most stupid thinker.” – David Hume
  • “The artist must create a spark before he can make a fire and before art is born, the artist must be ready to be consumed by the fire of his own creation.” – Auguste Rodin
  • “Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.” – George Smith Patton
  • “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau
  • “Perhaps believing in good design is like believing in God, it makes you an optimist.” – Terence
  • “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” – Douglas Adams
  • “To design is to communicate clearly by whatever means you can control or master.” – Milton Glaser
  • “A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know.” – Diane Arbus
  • “Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.” – John Lennon
  • “The conclusion of design flows naturally from the data; we should not shrink from it; we should embrace it and build on it.” – Michael Behe
  • “The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.” – Bruce Feirstein
  • “Good design keeps the user happy, the manufacturer in the black and the aesthete unoffended.” – Raymond Loewy
  • “If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn’t need to lug around a camera.” – Lewis Hine
  • “Dodging and burning are steps to take care of mistakes God made in establishing tonal relationships.” – Ansel Adams
  • “You don’t take a photograph, you make it.” – Ansel Adams
  • “Genius creates, and taste preserves. Taste is the good sense of genius; without taste, genius is only sublime folly.” – Chateaubriand
  • “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
  • “An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail.” – Dr Edwin Land
  • “Great designers seldom make great advertising men, because they get overcome by the beauty of the picture – and forget that merchandise must be sold.” – James Randolph Adams
  • “Art has to move you and design does not, unless it’s a good design for a bus.” – David Hockney
  • “When your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme.” – Jiminy Cricket
  • “Let your imagination release your imprisoned possibilities.” – Robert H. Schuller
  • “You don’t take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it.” – Unknown
  • “Ah good taste! What a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness.” – Pablo Picasso
  • “You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” – Mark Twain
  • “We adore chaos because we love to produce order.” – M. C. Escher
  • ” In my opinion, no single design is apt to be optimal for everyone.” – Donald Norman
  • “I hate cameras. They are so much more sure than I am about everything.” – John Steinbeck
  • “I design my shots. I walk the rehearsal as the camera and say ‘this is where I want to be…I want this look.” – Debbie Allen
  • “A photograph is usually looked at – seldom looked into.” – Ansel Adams
  • “Good design begins with honesty, asks tough questions, comes from collaboration and from trusting your intuition.” – Freeman Thomas
  • “Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” – Jamie Paolinetti
  • “The world just does not fit conveniently into the format of a 35mm camera.” – W. Eugene Smith
  • “Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable.” – George Bernard Shaw
  • “Designers can create normalcy out of chaos; they can clearly communicate ideas through the organising and manipulating of words and pictures.” – Jeffery Veen
  • “It’s weird that photographers spend years or even a whole lifetime, trying to capture moments that added together, don’t even amount to a couple of hours.” – James Lalropui Keivom
  • “No place is boring, if you’ve had a good night’s sleep and have a pocket full of unexposed film.” – Robert Adams
  • “Ambitious, but rubbish!” – Jeremy Clarkson (Top Gear motto)
  • “In nature, light creates the colour. In the picture, colour creates the light.” – Hans Hofmann

I have more on the way, so watch this space!

My top 20 favourite TV shows

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

1. Top Gear
The best show on the planet…ever! No argument, no ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’, the most entertaining thing ever! It’s even better when you think back to how boring the old Top Gear was. The three ages of man – young (Hammond), old (May) and very old (Clarkson) participate in incredibly entertaining and informative challenges involving cars, fulfilling their catchphrase “Ambitious, but rubbish!”…

Top Gear

2. Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Ever since Simon Amstell took over from Mark Lemarr, this show has only got funnier and funnier. It still remains one of the only programs that can make me laugh till I cry. With 2 teams of 3 people, this quizcom is based on popular music and features rounds such as “The Intro Round” where 1 of the team has to guess the intro to a song sung by the other 2. All the rounds, however tent to result in a hilariously comedic anecdote.

Never Mind the Buzzcocks

3. QI
The source of 90% of my useless and interesting ‘man knowledge’ is the infamous QI hosted by that national treasure and most literate of comedic men, Stephen Fry. A quizcom that focuses on facts and rewards points for quite interesting (QI) answers and penalising wrong or obvious answers.

QI

4. Futurama
Described as ‘The Simpsons for geeks’, Futurama pushes all the right ‘geek buttons’ with hidden references to math, space and time that only anorak would find entertaining. I love the 4 movies that make up the final series. It’s a real shame that they’ve now ended it! Set in the year 3000, a 23 year old delivery boy, frozen in time from the year 2000 learns to live in the confusing world of the 31st century.

Futurama

5. Two Pints of Larger and a Packet of Crisps
I somehow managed to see the out takes on BBC Three before I saw the series and I loved every minute of it. I can really relate to Johnny, the jobless layabout with homosexual tendencies. The sitcom follows 5 20-somethings from Runcorn as they date, get married and have babies. Obviously, hilarity ensues throughout.

Two Pints

6. Family Guy
At first, I was convinced that this was a crappy, unfunny American cartoon, but I’ve slowly grown to like it. It’s not the funniest thing on TV but I like the no-punches-held attitude towards sex, drugs, violence and racism. The show stars an ‘average’ American family headed by Peter Griffin, an overweight, drunken, retarded from Quahog, Rhode Island as they try to live like a normal family.

Family Guy

7. Scrubs
The only reason that I started to watch this was because of Sarah Chalke, who plays Elliot. She is one of the only reason that I don’t really hate ALL Americans. It’s a good laugh and I love the random thoughts of JD. Scrubs is about a young intern (and later doctor), John Dorian who works in Sacred Heart hospital with his surgeon friend Turk, Turks love interest Carla and his on-again-off-again girlfriend Elliot.

Scrubs

8. Friends
The classic sitcom that ran for over 10 years. The original and best. Nothing can top it. The girls are unbelievably hot, the guys are funny and the plot is easy to follow. It’s perfect! It’s all about 6 friends who live, love and grow up in New York City. Friends is one of the rarest sitcoms in that the actors are more commonly known by their character names than their real names. It will remain a classic for years to come.

Friends

9. Red Dwarf
The best comedy of the late 80s and early 90s, this still holds the record for the most watched show on BBC2. At least 4 further episodes have been planned for release on Dave in April 2009. The series follows the adventures and explorations in space and time of David Lister, a Liverpudlian technician frozen aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf for 3 million years only to awake to find a robot, a hologram of his dead crew-mate and a creature that evolved from the ships cat.

Red Dwarf

10. Blackadder
Edmund Blackadder, portrayed by Rowan Atkinson, is a clever and devious character who appears throughout time in different roles. Along with his sidekick Baldrick, played by Tony Robinson, Blackadder attempts to work his way up the ranks of power. The first series was aired in the late 80s and was based in Medieval times, the second was set in Edwardian times, the third in Elizabethan and the last series in the First World War.

Blackadder

11. Have I Got News for You
The original quizcom, HIGNFY is based around media sensations. Politics, religion, sport, entertainment and current afairs are all covered in a number of rounds such as “The Odd One Out” round and the fantastically funny “Missing Words” round: “Blair proves that _____ is bad for you…” – so many amusing and original answers are possible!

HIGNFY

12. Whose Line is it Anyway
A improvisational comedy program originally aired in the home of comedy, Britain in the mid 80s, WLIIA inspired many copies all over the world, the most popular being the American version. It also inspired some of the rounds on Mock the Week. Guest comedy performers are given situations or props to act with for which they have to make the funniest sketch possible. Ryan Styles and Colin Mochrie are comedy geniuses when put together! (The American version is not half as good, chiefly due to Drew Carey!)

WLIIA

13. The IT Crowd
A relatively new series on Channel 4 about a pair of IT professionals (Moss and Roy) who work in the basement of a large company, Reynholm Industries, run by a slightly unorthodox boss with their relationship manager, Jen. The series follows Moss and Roy as Jen tries to introduce them into the world outside of their basement. I love the sheer amount of geeky references and slapstick humour.

The IT Crowd

14. Mock the Week
One of the funniest quizcoms on TV at the moment. Like HIGNFY, Mock the Week focuses on current affairs, entertainment, politics and sport. The show is hosted by Dara O’Briain, with 4 regular comedy performers as panellists, Frankie Boyle, Andy Parsons, Hugh Dennis and Russell Howard alongside 2 guests. Frankie, Andy and Dara are the three funniest and every show they manage to come up with fresh and funny material.

Mock the Week

15. Fawlty Towers
This is the funniest comedy ever. Nothing will ever be able to top it. No imitation will do. Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) is the owner of a small independent hotel in Torquay. With his “dragon of a wife” Cybil, the maid Polly and an incompetent Spanish waiter with very little knowledge of the English language, Manuel, Basil plays host to some of the strangest and most irritating guests ever with hilarious consequences.

Fawlty Towers

16. Fonejacker
This guy is an absolute genius! To be able to think as quickly on his feet is no less than a miracle. It must have one of the lowest budgets of any TV programme as all it consists of is a single Iranian comedian phoning random people and starting an often surreal conversation as one of his many personas, including a South African banker, a gangster and a foreign telemarketing salesman.

Fonejacker

17. My Family
I love this show purely because it echos my own family so closely. My brother Tim is Michael, the intelligent but often-forgotten youngest child. My sister is Janey, the boy, shopping and fashion-obsessed middle child and I (rather accurately) am Nick, the first-born, slightly mental child who provides the comedic hub of the family. The show follows a ‘normal’ English family called the Harpers in their everyday life. Later episodes without Nick aren’t quite as funny, but are still a good laugh.

My Family

18. Father Ted
Father Ted is a story based on 3 priests who are banished to a remote island just off the coast of Ireland. Father Ted Crilly is a middle-aged and ambitious priest who is constantly formulating plans to get off Craggy Island. Father Doogle McGuire is a young and stupid priest with little understanding of everything and Father Jack Hackett is an old perverted, alcoholic and misogynistic priest whose catchphrases include “Drink”, “Feck” and “Arse”.

Father Ted

19. Black Books
This show follows 3 people. Bernard Black (brilliantly portrayed by Dylan Moran), an aggressive, alcoholic, and cynical smoker who runs a small bookshop in London. His friend Fran is a similarly-minded 30-something woman who also enjoys the guilty pleasures in life. The bookshop is chiefly maintained by Bill Baileys character Manny, a slightly-mad mild-mannered and intelligent ex-accountant.

Black Books

20. Sex and the City
Call me a woman, why not? Everyone else does when I tell them I like this show, but women talking about women things and scenes of sex is my primary source of knowledge for helping me to understand how that crazy species of ‘women’ think. Sex and the City follows 4 women living, loving and working in New York as a writer, a lawyer, a PR manager and a consultant for an art gallery.

Sex and the City