As with all the lists I make, if you have any objection to what I think, or are offended by anything that I say, then consider it a joke and please keep your comments to yourself. Quite basically, I don’t care what you think…
Thank you.
1. They are very much up themselves and truly believe that they are better than everyone else in the world. They also stereotype English people as posh, well dressed, upper-class gits. I know this to be a complete load, which is why I am now stereotyping Americans.
2. Most are so stupid, they haven’t even heard of any other continents, let alone countries! This has been proved many times and the evidence is all over YouTube. Strangely, even the stupidest still get to vote and drive. Why has this not been picked up on? Most have a poor IQ for a glass of milk and would be outsmarted by an Irish farmer. (I do like the Irish – they gave us the best comedy in the world, but I couldn’t think of anyone stupider off the top of my head…)
3. So many stupid laws exist all across America that everyone (even the Americans themselves) think that they are ridiculous. Hence, a bad legal system. The reason all villains in American films are British is because the Americans fear intelligence! (and we have an understanding of the law!)
4. As a result of their bad legal system, their ‘suing’ culture has taken over their country and because of this, they’ve had to step up the rest of their retaliations. The next step up for them is war, so they declare war as often as we sue. They will think nothing of bombing a country of the face of the planet if it means that they feel safe. This also means that all Americans seem to have that in-your-face-I’m-going-to-shout-everything-at-you attitude, and this annoys me…a lot!
5. Their religious views are so varied that you encounter extremes of both ends. Who would want to live in the Southern states? Kill the gays, buy a truck and then marry your sister because God said so? I don’t think so! Only in America!
6. Their idea of humour is laughable, and not in the good way. They’ve ruined numerous British comedy shows by trying to ‘Americanise’ them. Just leave humour to the British – it’s what we do best! That, complain and que… STOP TRYING TO BE FUNNY AMERICA! YOU’RE JUST NOT!
7. With the exception of Obama (the first ever hope for American presidents and possible light at the end of the tunnel!), the men elected to be the most powerful in the world have been complete yoghurts! As Billy Connolly once remarked about Ronald Regan:
“He sits at his desk with the button that could destroy the world – boom! My father’s younger than him and we don’t give him the remote for the telly!”
I realise that this is the second Bush photo I have used, but I just hate the stupid Texan idiot so much!
8. American cars are the slushiest and worst handling in the world. The fact that most Americans have never encountered a proper ‘road’ with hills, dips and corners is something that I find unbelievable. How can anyone in America ever crash their car? Let us Europeans and the Japanese build cars – we did it first and we do it best!
9. No country in the world has as many spoilt teenagers, especially girls. Countless shows on TMF and the other retarded Freeview channels show all kinds of young girls wanting (and most of the time, getting!) ponies, new cars and a whole array of useless and usually frivolously-selected crap of great value all for their 13th birthdays. AND they all like pink way too much! Most of these grow up to be Paris Hilton look-a-likes with about the same amount of brains!
10. Not only are their cars not suitable for the road, but there are limited or sometimes no emission tests for vehicles, which means that America is polluting the planet far more than they need to. Not only this, but why do you need a 5.7 litre American-built-by-two-fat-men-in-a-warehouse-called-Bob-and-Dwayne engine when you could get a European-built food blender that produces the same power?
11. If you’ve ever watched American television, then you’ll know what a small percentage of it is actually good television. Among the 25% that isn’t adverts or ‘infomercials’, selling the latest, greatest hydro-statically resistant, fully rechargeable, eco-friendly TV remote cleaning station for cats, a full 0% is any good. Even the news is a twisted version of what’s going on in the world.
12. They act like they’ve ruled the world forever, but they forget that they have no history before about 150 years ago. They also forget that the Romans once ruled a huge area of the globe and that the British Empire was once the most powerful in the world. We don’t seem to matter any more. We mean nothing to them. We’ve done it all, ruled it all, got the t-shirt and settled down. We need not prove ourselves anymore.
13. They’ve managed to borrow and then ruin our language with ‘Americanisms’ like ‘color’ and ‘-zation’ instead of ‘colour’ and ‘-sation’ which annoy the he’ll out of me when I have to change from ‘English – US’ to ‘English – UK’ on many of my computer programs. If you’re going to ruin it, get your own language! On top of this, I get annoyed just watching an American open their mouth because I know that shouty sounds will come out, lathered in a stupid, irritating accent.
14. 80% of them are too fat, and about 99% of the rest are catastrophicly ugly. With the exception of people like Jennifer Aniston and Sarah Chalke, they all look like they’ve fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, followed by the ground. As Jeremy Clarkson once said:
“That Sarah Jessica Parker – she looks like a boiled horse…”
15. American celebrities are the most obnoxious, self-centered and overpaid people on the planet, and what’s worse is that they care far too much about what everyone else thinks about them. Even Jay Leno stated:
“In America, we want everyone to know about the good work that we’re doing anonymously.”
You never see Jeremy Clarkson, Johnothan Ross, Jimmy Carr or Simon Amstell toning down what they say so that people like them. They speak about the truth, not about what the public wants to hear. Americans are pretending to be polite and caring and God only knows why, because it’s the two things that they can’t do. Politeness to an American is allowing someone else to use the ketchup first! Hence, they are rude!
16. Nothing in America is thin or small. These words don’t exist in the English US language! The people are fat, the roads are wide, the food is enormous and so on. For them, luxury is simply having more of something. Fat American families with fat children, a dumpy wife and morbidly obese fathers are a common sight in places like Disney Land, which I prefer to think of as the Mecca for fat people. This point is the most important, purely because too many times I have had to sit next to a fat American on some form of public transport, squished against the wall praying for a vet to come along with some horse tranquilliser…
So to summarise:
They are ignorant, obnoxious, arrogant, violent, suing, religiously intolerant, unfunny, spoilt, uneconomical, wasteful, selfish, boring, illiterate, uncaring, ugly, fat, rude, lazy and stuck-up people with bad cars, bad leaders, awful television over-run with adverts…among a few things.
There are of course, some good things about the Americans, but I always forget what they are… Oh well, c’est la vie! (Watch out Frenchies, you’re up next!)
The End.
P.S. America – thank you for taking Simon Cowell away…